Congratulations you’re having twins! I remember when the x-ray technician said those words to Claude and I. It did not feel like a congratulatory moment. I was not happy at all. I felt disgusted.
Unlike most, I was not happy to be pregnant. We had a 10, 8 and 6 year old in the house at the time. I was happy. I was still selfish in some areas, at that time, and I could come and go, with the older 3, at my leisure without the baggage of babies. I went into a state of depression immediately when I learned I was pregnant. I never saw myself as a mother of multiple children. I wanted to own my own business, drive a nice car, travel and see the world. I could not imagine having another child. On top of that, I still wasn’t married.
I grew up with a fear of the Lord. I believed the Lord would forgive me for one mistake, having #4 out of wedlock, but not two mistakes. I feared the Lord would curse me for not getting my life together. No. I did not fear he would curse me for having sex and not being married, but for having proof of me having sex unmarried. I was young and dumb. I knew the of the Lord, but I had no understanding of what I knew. Later the Lord showed me how He views pregnancy which I discussed here.
Due to the multiple abortions I had during my college years, the pregnancy was considered “high risk”. The doctors were worried about me carrying the pregnancy to term initially. I will discuss my early views on abortion later, for now stick with the topic at hand. I was scheduled for my first sonogram at the end of 11 weeks of pregnancy. #4 was excited I was pregnant. #3 did not know because Claude did not want his children to know. Yes. I said his children. We were not married at this time. The pregnancy was a secret. Literally until I began to show. It was a very lonely time for me. I thought the Lord was cursing me for being pregnant and cursing the relationship with Claude.
We had an appointment scheduled for my first sonogram. Claude appeared to be excited, I think it was because I was depressed, and he wanted to bet I was having twins. He did not care. His actions showed that as time progressed. Claude and #4 kept telling me I was having twins. #4 wanted to have a ‘sick day’ so she could attend the appointment with me. Claude said, “I bet you $20 they say you’re having twins”. I told him ‘bet’, because I knew I wasn’t having twins. God couldn’t be that cruel.
Okay. Here goes. I am laying on the bed and the x-ray tech is on the telephone speaking with whomever because the sonogram was being transmitted to the ‘official’, can’t think of the term. I could not see the screen initially. She says, ‘I’m sending A’s picture now. You need another picture of A’s? Did you get B’s?’ Claude and I are looking at each other. Then I notice Claude is smiling and the x-ray technician is happy. And everybody in the room is happy except me. I’m starting to freak out. I’m wondering why the hell this chick keep saying A and B?. Remember, at this time, I knew of The Lord, but I did not have a relationship with The Lord. Yes. I used to curse worse than a sailor.
Finally, she gets the hell off the phone. She’s asks if twins run in my family. Yes. My father is a twin. My cousin had been pregnant with twins multiple times, but she was never able to carry them to term. WHY?! This chick is gitty, happy and excited as hell. Irritating the hell out of me. She finally says, ‘Congratulations. You’re having twins!’. She turns the monitor around and we get to see the babies and the little show and tell slide show.
I wanted to beat the hell out of that woman. I felt sick and disgusted. I remember trying to put a smile on my face and ended up crying. She told Claude, to give me a minute to digest it. Some women go into shock when they learn they are carrying multiples. I left the room crying. Dressed myself crying. And went into the bathroom to vomit, after leaving a trail down the hall. I was not some women. I was not in shock. I was DEPRESSED and the thought of carrying, not one baby but TWO BABIES, worsened my mental state.
I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital during my pregnancy. I was being monitored for everything. I remember a visit to the emergency room once with my mother. After she learned I was having twins. It took a moment for the nurses to get it into her head that I was not happy about the pregnancy and she was adding more stress than necessary. She did not understand my mental state until they put her out of the room.
I spent a lot of time trying to naturally abort the pregnancy. I would walk for long periods of time. Whenever someone wanted to go some place I was ready. I remember playing softball with my family at a picnic before anyone knew I was carrying twins. In case you are wondering, I did not begin to show until the beginning of my 5th month. Even then, it was a bump. I carried the pregnancy well until my 7th month. When I appeared I have went to sleep a human and woke-up a whale.
I remember one of the ultrasounds was to determine the sex of the fetuses. The doctors terminology not mine. Again, Claude wanted to place a bet I was carrying girls. After loosing the first bet, I decided to cut my losses. I prayed for boys, but God has a great sense of humor and gave me girls. Not one girl but 2 girls at the same time. I knew I hated combing hair and God knew it too. I remember thinking, ‘Lord I’m alone, pregnant, unmarried, carrying twins and if that’s not enough…you’re giving me 2 girls to boot. You straight tripping.’ Yes. I did tell God He was tripping. ‘Come let us reason together. Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I knew you’. I figured if those two scriptures were true He knew what I was going to say before I said it.
As time passed, I did grow to accept the pregnancy, whether I agreed with it or not. That is the downside to depression, you have moments of joy but the underlying feeling is always dread.
Then came labor and delivery.
I remember thinking it was finally time to get these little kickers out of me. I was finally going to get my body back!!! BUT! God had a plan. I went for a regular appointment. I was 35.5 weeks pregnant. The nurses hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor as usual and noticed changes in one of the twins heart rate whenever I had a contraction. I remember the nurse asking did I feel the contractions and told me I was in labor. I felt NOTHING. I did not know I was in labor. They gave me Pitocin to strengthen the labor to try and get the girls out. Every time I had a contraction Twin B’s heart rate dropped. They prepped me for surgery. At this time, my mother was at the hospital with me and Claude was en route. When Claude arrived, he signed the papers authorizing the emergency cesarean. Apparently, even though we weren’t married he was authorized as the father, to sign the papers. Whatever. I began to feel scared for the girls and cried. As much as I did not want to have them, at that moment, I prayed to God for their lives. I repented and asked God to forgive me for the last 9 months and not take it out on the girls. I asked God to spare the girls lives and #4′s heart from being hurt if something happened to the girls. I don’t think I had ever prayed with such sincerity before that moment.
Claude and I went into surgery and my mother stayed in the waiting room. My aunt drove to the hospital to keep her company. They cut me open and there popped Twin A. In my opinion she was Twin B because Twin A was head down and ready to go. Nevertheless, they pulled her out, showed her to me briefly. When they laid her on my chest, she nestled herself under my neck. I knew she was a keeper. Claude told them to take her. He was crying. Later they began talking in code and pulled out Twin B and remarked about her distress. They never showed her to me. Claude saw her but I did not. My mother said they rushed Twin B past them in the hall but they paused with Twin A, long enough for them to snap pictures. I asked Claude what was wrong with my baby and if she was still alive. He told me everything was fine they just need to get her to the NICU. He was lying. My baby was not fine. She was not breathing. She was not expected to make it. But God! He had a plan for my life.
The nurses told me after a few days they were releasing me but the twins would have to stay in the hospital. What?! Hell NO! People steal babies from the hospital. You are not releasing me and keeping my babies. You better give me my babies. Claude laughed and the nurses were amazed and elated at my 180 degree turn-around. Yet, the girls had to stay and extra 2 days. They ensured me nobody would steal my babies. They told me I could come back and see them anytime I wanted. However, I needed to take the time to rest and prepare for having 2 babies at home full-time. Chick you tripping. Give me my babies. They would not! I asked Claude how would we know if they switched my babies? The girls looked like little White Asian babies. I am very dark and so is Claude, I was already suspect because I didn’t remember the details of Twin A and I never saw Twin B, during the cesarean. Thank the Lord my mother and aunt had numerous Polaroid pictures of my babies.
When Claude dressed for work the day after I was released, I dressed for the hospital. I told him I was going to the hospital and he could get me after picking the kids up from school. There was a woman in the NICU who gave birth to twins and her stomach was flat. She pissed me off. Her babies would be there longer than mine and she brought milk every day and cared for her twins daily. I thanked the Lord I was not in her shoes. I nursed the girls as well. Claude had Medula?, I can’t remember, come to the house and show me how to work the travel pump.
Then came day 2 when I could bring the girls home. Claude acted like I never held a baby in my life. Twin A weighed 5.2lbs and Twin B weighed 5.1lbs at birth. They were a healthy weight. Yet very tiny. He did not want the older 3 children touching the girls. That lasted all of 2 hours with me. I wanted everyone to enjoy the girls just as much as I did.
I know I jumped around a bit but I pray this post helps someone who maybe pregnant and not happy about the pregnancy. Someone who may feel alone right now. Someone wondering if they can ever truly love the child/ren growing inside of them. I’m here to tell you ‘God is no respecter of persons’, if He did it for me He can certainly do it for you. Just be honest and tell him how you feel. He already knows. He’s just waiting for you to let go of the pain, hurt, shame and guilt so He can begin to heal you. He did it for me. He did not deliver me from depression, that came in time, but he did deliver me from the shame, hurt and guilt I felt from having children without being married. Call out to Him today. He is waiting on you.
I can’t imagine my life without my girls. Twin A and Twin B. Also known as #6 and #7.
Enjoy the photos below.